这个周日的天气,很像南京;我印象中的南京,大多是阴天。夏天的时候,雷阵雨很多;我最喜欢的是夏雨前黄黄的天空,和超市的空气,好像整个世界都在酝酿着什么,直到一场大雨的到来。
在周末,读完了村上的短篇《奶油》「クリーム」,一篇像谜一样,充满隐喻和象征的小说。最喜欢的是小说的最后,主人公的我回忆起十八岁时遇到的一个白发老人的对话:
In my life, whenever an inexplicable, illogical, disturbing event takes place (I’m not saying that it happens often, but it has a few times), I always come back to that circle—the circle with many centers but no circumference. And, as I did when I was eighteen, on that arbor bench, I close my eyes and listen to the beating of my heart. Sometimes I feel that I can sort of grasp what that circle is, but a deeper understanding eludes me. This circle is, most likely, not a circle with a concrete, actual form but, rather, one that exists only within our minds. When we truly love somebody, or feel deep compassion, or have an idealistic sense of how the world should be, or when we discover faith (or something close to faith)—that’s when we understand the circle as a given and accept it in our hearts. Admittedly, though, this is nothing more than my own vague attempt to reason it out. Your brain is made to think about difficult things. To help you get to a point where you understand something that you didn’t understand at first. And that becomes the cream of your life. The rest is boring and worthless. That was what the gray-haired old man told me. On a cloudy Sunday afternoon in late autumn, on top of a mountain in Kobe, as I clutched a small bouquet of red flowers. And even now, whenever something disturbing happens to me, I ponder again that special circle, and the boring and the worthless. And the unique cream that must be there, deep inside me.
小说的主人公在神户的一座山上遇到了一个白发老人,然后老人对他说,一个有很多中心的圆。我读到这里的时候,也是一头雾水,直到老人解释道,当你努力去理解和想象这样一个有很多中心的圆的时候,它会成为你人生中的creme de la creme,人生中最精华,最有价值的一部分。多年以后的主人公再回忆起这段往事,说道,一个有很多中心的圆,代表着在人生中那些我们试着去理解但却难以理解的东西,比如,信仰,但我们真正爱一个人,或者是一种正义感,当我们觉得世界应该是什么样子;当我们花时间和精力去思考这些事情的时候,这些有很多中心的圆,会变成我们人生的财富,creme de la creme,尽管最后我们无法真正得理解它们。
我想,村上所说的奶油,应该是那些在我们的生命里支撑着我们的东西,因为支撑着我们的,不仅仅是那些我们想要得到的东西,也包括那些我们试图理解的情感,经历,体验,想要靠近的人,想要回到的时光,想要体验的情感;是这些事情,支撑着我们,过完每一天,即使艰难。对我来说,试图理解,想象,重现,叙述的一段的历史,大概是我的creme;喜欢村上的这句话:「きみの頭はな、むずかしいことを考えるためにある。」
他甚至可以说,不仅仅是我们的大脑,我们的存在,也是为了思考人生的难题的,不管这难题对于我们来说是什么。它可以很大,也可以很小,但对于每一个个人来说,却是重要的,甚至可以说,对于我们的存在来说,是唯一的,而其他的一切,用村上的话说,都无聊乏味,毫无意义。我们活着,也许被很多东西束缚,羁绊,生活的琐碎会让我们觉得沉重,但不要忘了:
Your brain is made to think about difficult things. To help you get to a point where you understand something that you didn’t understand at first. And that becomes the cream of your life.
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